Meeting Anger with Awareness and Compassion
Meeting Anger with Awareness and Compassion
“Turn to that place in you that knows you are angry. What knows you are angry is itself not angry.” by Ken McLeod
I was recently reading an article on the topic of anger by Ken McLeod (2019). In the article McLeod offered an approach towards anger that emerges out of an invitation to embark on a journey inward, a journey that takes us to the very core of our being, where the tumultuous waves of anger ebb and flow. An approach that beckons us to confront the often-tumultuous realm of our emotions, particularly that fiery force known as anger.
What struck me in the article is where McLeod (2019) wrote,
“Turn to that place in you that knows you are angry. What knows you are angry is itself not angry.”
On reading this I stopped as it points to a profound insight that goes beyond the superficial layers of emotional experience.
At its core, it invites a shift in perspective, a turning of the gaze from the external triggers of anger to the internal landscape where this emotion takes root. It prompts us to become intimate with our emotional responses, to develop a keen awareness that extends beyond the immediate reaction to external stimuli that might be perceived as the root and cause of anger. Because, in reality, the anger is not outside of us but inside of us an emotional experience that we are having.
It made me think and reflect on what McLeod was pointing to the possibility of “liberation” from the grasp of anger through a reflective inquiry into the nature of our emotional experiences.
This is something that we do in mindfulness practice. As McLeod eludes, we start by turning our attention inward at the threshold of self-awareness with a conscious acknowledgement of the anger within, an acknowledgement that goes beyond mere recognition. It is an act of embracing the emotion without being consumed by it, a recognition that the very awareness of anger is distinct from anger itself.
Awareness that now there arises the emotion of anger or that now there is anger is different and distinct from anger as if there is space. It always makes me remember of the quote attributed to Viktor Frankl, which says,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
And it also makes me remember of Anthony De Mello and how, in his book “Awareness”, where overall, he argues that the first step to becoming familiar with our conditioned reactions is awareness. Sounds cliché, but it is true. How can we know that we are having a conditioned reaction if there is no awareness of having a conditioned reaction? Further, De Mello argues for the importance of self-observation, not controlling the anger or trying to stop the anger, but as McLeod eludes, the first step is to, “Turn to that place in you that knows you are angry.”
That space between stimulus and response, a space from where we can observe our reactions unfolding. A space from where we have the potential to respond rather than react to situations in flexible and creative ways because we are no longer conditioned by the way we are feeling but rather have an understanding of the way we are feeling. We could say that the observer that is aware of the anger is not touched by it. This brings us to what McLeod says: that the place within you that knows you are angry is itself not angry.
The recognition that the observer within us has the potential to be aware of anger but remain untouched by the emotional storms it may cause reveals a powerful truth about the nature of our consciousness. It unveils the inherent capacity to witness our emotions without becoming entangled in their web. This witnessing awareness becomes a vantage point from which we can navigate the often-turbulent seas of our emotional landscape. It grants us the ability to respond rather than react, to engage with life’s challenges with a discerning mind and an open heart.
But we also come to understand that this witnessing awareness is not a passive spectator but an active force, a wellspring of resilience and equanimity. It is the seat of our inner strength, a sanctuary we can come to rely on when the external world presses in with its demands and provocations. But this sanctuary is not an escape from the world but a refuge that empowers us to meet the world with clarity and grace.
This separation between the awareness and the emotion it observes reveals the impermanence of our emotional states. Anger, like all emotions, is a transient visitor in the vast landscape of our consciousness. Like the poem The Guest House, attributed to Rumi, illustrates how emotions come and go.
However, as De Mello (1992) points out, there is something that never changes: “awareness.” We might have a momentary lapse of awareness, but awareness is always there, and by turning towards that unchanging awareness within, we gain a perspective that transcends the fleeting nature of our emotional responses. And as the poem by Rumi illustrates this realisation becomes a source of freedom, allowing us to ride the waves of emotion without being carried away by them.
Moreover, this inquiry can give us insight into the origins and roots of anger. By turning to the place within that knows anger, we can invite a mindful awareness into the underlying causes and conditions that give rise to this emotion.
Again, this not to blame or judge but to understand. To explore and unveil the layers of conditioning, past experiences, unmet needs, and expectations that might be contributing to the arising of anger. That we all experience anger, and like me, other people also experience anger and the distress that comes from this when faced with a similar situation. This is sometimes called our “common humanity” or “shared humanity”, which means that we all experience distress and would like to be free from the causes of distress (Armstrong, 2011; Monroe, 1998; Neff, 2011).
This, the understanding of our “common humanity” - that we all experience distress and would like to be free from the causes of distress, can give rise to a profound compassion towards oneself and others.
The recognition that anger might often stem from and be conditioned by past experiences, unmet needs, expectations, or unresolved pain allows for a more empathetic engagement with one’s own emotional landscape and that of others. Instead of being trapped in the cycle of reactive behaviour, there arises an opportunity for conscious and skilful responses to the complexities of human experience.
Why? Because we find that this inward journey is not a solitary endeavour. It is a universal exploration that connects us to the shared human experience of joy, sorrow, love, and, yes, anger.
And recognising the commonality of our emotional tapestry, can give rise to a sense of interconnectedness that we are not alone in this struggle. The understanding that we all grapple with the complexities of the human heart can foster empathy and compassion for ourselves and others, especially if we recognise compassion as,
“Being sensitive to the suffering of self and others with a deep commitment to try to prevent and relive it.” (Gilbert & Choden, 2014, p. 1)
Or, more deeply, as Rinpoche and Swanson (2007) put it that,
“Compassion is essentially the recognition that everyone and everything is a reflection of everyone and everything else.” (p.174)
Laying the foundation for authentic and meaningful connections with others.
Ultimately, the words, “turn to that place in you that knows you are angry. What knows you are angry is itself not angry,” is an invitation. An invitation to explore the inner dimensions of our consciousness, to recognise the awareness within that remains steadfast amidst the ever-changing currents of our emotions. A place from which we can respond with wisdom, compassion, and resilience to the demands thrown at us by life.
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References
Armstrong, K. (2011). Twelve steps to a compassionate life [epub]. New York, go to sleep: Three Rivers Press.
De Mello, A. (1992). Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality. (F. Stroud, Ed.) New York, NY: Doubleday.
Gilbert, P., & Choden. (2014). Mindful compassion. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
McLeod, K. (2019). Anger: How to recognise it, work with it, and even find wisdom in it. Retrieved from Tricycle: The Buddhist Review: https://tricycle.org/magazine/anger-meditation/
Monroe, K. R. (1998). The heart of altruism: Perceptions of common humanity. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
Rinpoche, Y. M., & Swanson, E. (2007). The joy of living: Unlocking the secret and science of happiness. New York, NY go to sleep: Random House Inc.